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My knowledge of Bluetooth has a gap tooth. Bluetooth is the ear thingy people wear that allows for hands-free, wireless use of their cell phones. now you can run, drive, snowboard, even ride a motorcycle and never miss a call. Cell chatter is paramount and there is little patience for those, like myself, who bring up the rear of an inching glacier.

without a cell phone, I am a lumbering Techno-saur, soon to stumble into a tar pit (if not outright pushed) for not adapting to evolution. I point to my mouth and grunt, Uh! Uh! and so to expand my vocabulary, I tentatively explore Bluetooth technology.

The beauty of Bluetooth is that it lets various devices by different manufacturers (or providers) talk to each other. Being Bluetooth enabled allows wireless use of cell phones, cameras, printers and other devices.)

On the phone front, simply put your cell phone in your pocket, pop on your Bluetooth ear thingy, and if your phone is on, voices will talk into your ear automatically. look, Ma, no hands!

Ive heard of long-toothed, houndstooth, even saber-toothed, but why is it called Bluetooth?

The name derives from King Harald Blatand of Denmark (910-986). Blatand or Bluetooth, comes from the Norse word, bla (blue), which also can mean dark or black. Methinks Vikings lacked good dental care.

but the Danish kings claim to fame was that he united Denmark and Norway through Christianity in the 10th century. In fact an ancient Rune stone, located on a UNESCO world heritage site in Jelling, Denmark, translates to, "King Haraldr ordered this monument made in memory of Gormr, his father, and in memory of Thyrv, his mother; that Haraldr who won for himself all of Denmark and Norway and made the Danes Christian."

Imagine the corporate meeting the day the technology was officially named Bluetooth.

Perhaps a marketer said, The connection is crystal clear. Harald Bluetooth brought together warring kingdoms, and our Bluetooth brings together different devices to work under one technology.

And some underling, no doubt, yelped, Yeah! And isnt communication todays higher power?

Cell phone technology and a Danish Christian king thats quite a stretch. but then, what do computers have in common with an Apple? Oh, right, its a Genesis thing. (I made that up.)

but having what looks like a metal frog perched on my ear is ugly. Why is a Bluetooth so big when even devices for the hard-of-hearing are now barely noticeable?

I know why. Something has to separate hands-free cell phone users from Tourette Syndrome sufferers. A visual cue is needed because its harder to tell them apart. Thus, the sizable ear shield tells me that the lone person at the next table is actually sputtering and swearing at someone else.

but I always return to my natural instinct to resist owning a cell phone, never mind a Bluetooth.

I dont want to be more productive, as in the ability to talk, eat and send something to the printer while standing at a burger counter.

I relish my dream-time while driving. (With the attention span of a kitten, so do I really need another distraction?)

Spending time and being present fully are precious gifts. I dont want to join the legions of diners who sit across from each other, but talk to invisible parties.

Speaking of timing, I hate it when the momentum of somebodys story (or worse, mine!) is interrupted by the almighty, Oh, hold on a minute, I gotta get this.

Yes, I know I could turn my cell phone off, but knowing myself, I never would. (Be happy - one less offender on the loose.)

To many, Im stuck in the dark ages where Bluetooth remains a peaceable Norse king. Ah, the blessed silence!

Suzette Martinez Standring is a speaker, columnist and humorist. She is the author of "The Art of Column Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other great Columnists." She is the past president of the National Society of newspaper Columnists. Her Web site is http://www.readsuzette.com

Contact her at suzmar@comcast.net

posted by 10022  # 6:41 AM